There are common, everyday situations that we all find ourselves in that can put us on the spot and leave us uncertain of what to do and willing to throw any amount of cash at the problem to make it go away. This month, we take an in-depth look at four of these situations with the help of two experts. Read on to learn how to seamlessly split a check, ask for donations, barter for services, and—occasionally—politely decline.
Going Dutch
We all know this story. You meet up with friends for dinner; you get a glass of house wine and a salad, and your pals get entrées, several rounds of cocktails, and desserts. Then the check comes and someone suggests that you all split the tab evenly to avoid complicated math. A popular 2011 article from The Awl by Neel Shah breaks this conundrum down thusly: if you are under 25, then you’re probably still struggling enough that it’s acceptable to pay exactly for what you consume. If you’re over 25, Shah writes: “I’m sorry, but no one told you to be a teetotaler, or to not get the steak, or to not get dessert.”
Given that a 25-year-old financial analyst or marketing executive is going to be staring down a different financial road than a 25-year-old singer, however, I’d like to amend this for freelancing artists: it is acceptable at any age to pay for only what you’ve ordered.
“All of these rules about age, occupation, and affordability get so complicated and cause friends to resort to unseemly conversations over pennies and persistent feelings of resentment,” says Nancy Eberhardt, a former vice chair of the Wolf Trap Foundation and author of the forthcoming book Uncommon Candor. “Why not say the truth and honor yourself and others?”
“The etiquette lies with the person who’s ordering more. That’s the person who needs to take responsibility,” adds Erica Sandberg, editor at large for CreditCardGuide.com and the author of Expecting Money. “You know if you’ve ordered significantly more than the other person.” That being said, if you order a soup and tap water to your friend’s entrée, wine, and dessert and they still suggest splitting the bill 50/50, Sandberg cautions against quibbling.
The best way to avoid that type of a situation is, as Sandberg says, to set expectations before you break bread. Some restaurants will offer separate checks even for large groups—call ahead to see if they can accommodate that if you’re attending a birthday party. It’s also fair to ask for separate checks if you’re having a two-person lunch, but make sure to bring it up before you order. It’ll make your waiter’s day.
Going Indie and Starting Kicks
I love Indiegogo. I love Kickstarter. Thanks to the former, a classical musician wounded in the Aurora, Colo., shootings last summer was able to pay for her extensive medical bills. Her mother, who was also battling cancer, was able to do the same. All through the simple concept of paying it forward, sending around links on Facebook, Twitter, and a number of blogs.
Not all crowd-sourced fundraising drives are as high stakes. And while they’re no less valid, it is undeniably more difficult to encourage your friends, family, fans, and strangers to open up their pockets for a recording project or concert series. The personalized pages on Kickstarter and its kind allow for an all-purpose elevator pitch, which means—like a cover letter added to a résumé—you needn’t send the link around with a full recap of what the donation page says. And if you are sending around the link, try to make it personal. Break your e-mail lists down to family members, college friends, chorus colleagues, etc. Nobody wants to feel like they’re part of an e-blast.
And nobody wants to feel like they’re on the receiving end of a telemarketer. A recent call I got from a theater company trying to sell me on a subscription refused to end. I allowed the pitch to go on uninterrupted for a good three minutes, then politely declined as it was out of my price range. Rather than thank me for my time and say they would be in touch next season, the telesales rep tried to break down my budget to see if he could make a $200 subscription package work, even going so far to say how many Starbucks trips I could avoid before being able to afford four tickets.
Even if your friend does say that they’re low on funds and then goes out to a three-course dinner (offering to pay three-quarters of the bill if their dining companion just had a simple entrée, of course), it’s hard to know the full side of that story. Don’t let it get to you, don’t let it cast a cloud over your friendship, and don’t mention it.
In fact, if you’re the mastermind behind a number of campaigns each year to fund, say, a concert series, it’s best to not be direct in your approach. Sandberg speaks of a colleague who, active in his community, changes his e-mail signature to reflect the current campaign for which he fundraises. “I think that’s kind of gentle. You don’t feel guilty not responding to it; it’s just sort of there,” says Sandberg.
Pennies for Thoughts
Often in this column I’ve advocated for bartering. There’s cleaning your coach’s apartment in exchange for a session or offering a nice bottle of wine and a home-cooked dinner for a social media strategy coaching session. But if you don’t have a friend who works for Twitter or a coach with a bathroom in need of a good scrub-down, bartering may be easier said than done.
Flattery is a great first step once you’ve found someone with the goods or services you need—so long as it’s genuine. Tell the accompanist your friend put you in touch with that you admire their work and your buddy speaks highly of them. Offer up specific examples of what you love about your potential web designer’s portfolio. It helps them to know that you actually value their offerings and don’t merely consider them to be an easy catch. Then launch into a well-rehearsed spiel.
Sandberg says that knowing your price and having a specific offer on the table helps to show that you’ve put thought into the ask and plan to honor it as a business transaction. If a website retool is going to set you back $1,000, offering a webmaster the monetary equivalent in piano lessons may be more than one or two classes. Be up front with your schedule and make sure you can make good on such an offer (and put it in writing), and then ask if your counterpart would be interested in a trade.
“Don’t put them on the spot,” adds Sandberg. “Assure them if it’s not going to work out, then you won’t be offended and it’s not a problem at all. Just say you’re throwing it out there. That’s a really gracious way to do that.”
Eberhardt adds that some flexibility on the asker’s part may help out the askee. “People love choices, to hear some offers that are equal to the very valuable service you want, and paying it forward,” she says, phrasing a potential pitch like “I wonder if we might do a trade for a valuable coaching session from you? Perhaps I can host you for dinner, give a lesson with me to someone else that would be a gift from you, or bring you and your partner/spouse a romantic dinner for two?”
Just Say “No”
As a performing artist, you probably have friends who are also performing artists and they’re probably pounding very similar pavement as you. It’s great to support those who also support you, but it’s very easy to fall into the trap of giving $5 here and $5 there. It’s perfectly all right to politely decline your friend’s Indiegogo pitch, says Sandberg, with emphasis on “politely.”
Saying “no” isn’t easy for anyone, but being able to cushion the rejection will help both sides. “Think about how you would like to be rejected,” says Sandberg. “You don’t want a long explanation, you don’t want lies, you don’t want just a short ‘no.’ You just want a couple of sentences about it.” Thank your friend for thinking of you, express how excited you are for their new project, and add that, while you don’t currently have the funds, you’re happy to spread their link on your Facebook or Twitter. (And, of course, make good on that offer.)
Stranger Than Paradise
Getting help from others—whether it’s goods, services, or cold hard cash—is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it’s always great to help and be helped. On the other, it can be a hop, skip, and one free brunch too many before you start to feel like a charity case among your more financially stable friends. The situation can be awkward as no one wants to seem ungrateful, but there are still ways of not feeling like a Dickensian orphan when your friend wants to pick up the tab or take you to the movies.
Sandberg says you needn’t treat your friendship as a barter or a constant tally of quid pro quos. Sending a bouquet of moderately priced flowers can do the trick, as can free tickets to an upcoming performance (yours or someone else’s, wherever the comps may lie). My yoga teacher, a classical music fan, has occasionally given me a free class here and there as thanks for my keeping him in mind when I clean out my CD collection. One person’s hand-me-downs can be another’s treasure trove.
Of course, sometimes too much is still too much, and there’s nothing wrong with taking a polite stand. “You have always been so kind to me. It’s important to me at this time [or on this occasion] to foot this bill and pay for myself. Please understand,” offers Eberhardt as one way of asking your generous friend to take a backseat. “And then don’t hesitate: just do it and thank them again for understanding and providing you with another indication of their generosity.” Like saying no, this could take some rehearsal time, but it’s worth it in the end.
If all else fails, remember, too, your thank-you notes. “It’s amazing how a heartfelt thank-you note can make all the difference in the world,” says Sandberg. “No one forgets how amazing it feels to get an actual card.”
