“Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend. . . . When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience Heaven on earth.”
~ Sarah Ban Breathnach
You, me, us, and a career? How do you make that work? How do others manage to balance a seriously committed relationship with pursuing careers that take most of their time, energy, and sometimes money?
It sounds like a conundrum, doesn’t it? Whether you, your partner or spouse, or both of you are grappling with this issue, there are things you can do to manage a balance. You have to be committed, however, to making some sacrifices along the way.
It doesn’t mean you can’t have the career you dreamed of, but you do have to set up some ground rules and stick to them. If you don’t, your relationship often becomes a battle about who is the most stressed, about how your partner doesn’t appreciate all that you do, about each of you starting to feel threatened by the other’s career and the extra time away from each other. You start to feel angry, hurt, jealous, rejected, suspicious, not supported or understood, and on and on.
These emotions begin to consume all of your focus and attention, and you have little energy left for nurturing your career. It can feel overwhelming, as if you have to make a choice between the relationship and the career.
“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fear.”
~ Glenn Clark
No one said it was going to be easy, but you can keep (or get back) the fun, passion, and love for each other and what you do in your life. Remember, if you keep doing what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten.
Here are four tested suggestions that work in helping to balance career and relationship.
1. Make the commitment to support and share what’s happening in your life.
Problem: As I said earlier, it’s easy to let our lives get seriously out of balance because our careers need a good share of our time, energy, and attention. When this happens, it’s easy to slip into complacency, letting our primary relationship run on automatic pilot. Example: When we are done with work, we want to forget about the day and zone out by watching TV or going out with friends for a drink. We often forget that we are half of an important team and need to work at building not only the career, but life together.
Solution: Try setting aside half an hour when you first get home from work to leave everything as is and sit with your partner and a cup of tea or a glass of wine, and take turns sharing the events of your workday. If you are meeting for dinner somewhere, do the same. That half hour should be almost sacred and not missed, even if it you have to do it over the phone.
Communication is the key and involves not only speaking, but also actively listening. Don’t judge, criticize, interrupt, finish your partner’s sentences, or allow your mind to wander. As you each relate your day’s story, stay focused on the person speaking. This shows respect, support, and appreciation.
When your partner is done speaking, show you are interested and that you care by saying (even if it feels unnatural at first), “I really appreciate how difficult this time must be for you right now,” or “I can appreciate how you must be feeling right now,” or “I want to let you know I support you all the way. Is there anything I can do to help?”
If one of you is more dramatic about your day’s story, allow it. It’s OK. It means each of you can safely and comfortably share your own story, even if it doesn’t make perfect sense to the one listening. That’s the whole point—being allowed to communicate your view of your world in a safe environment.
Notice that after your 30 minutes with your partner, you have cleared your head and can be more present for whatever you have planned for the rest of the evening, even if it is work related. More importantly, you have spent quality time together. Obviously, there will be days when neither of you gets home in time for this ritual because of voice lessons, coaching, business, etc., but remaining committed and making the sacrifices to do it whenever possible will pay off.
Sharing the mundane things in your workday helps you bond physically, mentally, and spiritually. This is a simple act of intimacy needed to cement every relationship.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
~ Anaïs Nin
2. Write down a team plan of action.
Problem: You once shared a common dream for your future together, but it is now on the back burner because you are both too busy with your own demanding careers. This can lead to growing apart.
Solution: Rekindle your common dream by starting a written list of wishes, wants, must haves, and desires for your future together. The list doesn’t have to be in any order. Keep brainstorming for as long as it takes to get some really good ideas jotted down on paper. Then prioritize these items together and begin creating a plan of action to reach these goals. Begin by looking at the long term and then gradually funnel that down to the one or two things you can do each day to move you towards reaching your mutual goals.
To funnel your goals in this way, try this exercise using the example on page 42. Write down the following big, overview headings, leaving space between them: “What I want five years from now.” Under that heading write, “three years from now,” followed by “one year from now.” Under that write “nine months,” “six months,” “three months,” and “one month.” Narrow that even further to “three weeks,” “two weeks,” and “one week.” Then work to fill in the things you want, below each time frame.
The smallest chunks of the goals, which you can add to your daily “To Do” list, trickle out of the bottom of the funnel. You will find that as you start moving the goals through the funnel, it will be time to fill it up again with a big goal. You might not see, yet, how to accomplish that goal, but as it moves down into your funnel and gets more defined, you will see how to make it happen. Every three to six months or so get your plan of action out and see where you are with making your goals into a reality. Don’t be afraid to make changes and adjustments.
Because you are in the process of creating a life for yourselves as a team, you will notice a stronger bond with your partner each day. Your daily conversations will turn more often to those things you have thought of, read, or seen that pertain to your immediate and long-term team goals.
3. Keep your eye on your own goal.
Problem: I believe that sometimes relationships fall apart or are difficult because one member becomes frustrated with their own inability to move forward with their own personal goals, career or otherwise. This can cause you to feel panicked and left behind.
Solution: The next part of the plan is to implement your individual career goals. Where do you want to be in your career five years from now? Go through or review the steps I have already explained, using the funnel system. Add one or two of the smallest chunks to your daily “To Do” list. By the end of the week you will see that you are moving toward your career goals, and it isn’t so time consuming or difficult as you might have thought.
Once you have each completed your individual plan of action, sit together and compare notes. See how you can support each other’s plans. If you get stuck, brainstorm about helping each other. You might be surprised to find your paths to reaching your goals share many similarities. Learning to have a clear perspective of your partner’s career challenges makes for greater understanding and stronger support for each other as you pursue your individual goals.
“Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.”
~ Douglas Pagels
4. Make time for a real date.
Problem: Have you noticed that you and your partner get stuck doing the same old things week after week? Want to get some fun and spontaneity back into your lives?
Solution: Make a date once a month, once a week, or once every six weeks, whenever you can. This can be a very creative and interesting process. Take turns planning the dates, but don’t keep score as to who did the better date preparation. If it’s your turn to dream up the date, find something your partner would really like to do, or is interested in. This could wind up being something you yourself have little or no real interest in. Keep in mind you are planning it for your partner, not for yourself. Your pleasure will partially come from knowing you have surprised and pleased your partner.
It could be anything from breakfast in bed to a dress-up dinner or a night on the town, a walk in the park, or a lecture or art gallery opening. Take the time to find out what your partner’s fantasy of a great date is, then plan to make it happen. It’s an interesting, exciting challenge.
Yes, this requires thought, time, and sacrifice on your part, but you are a team after all, and next month it’s your turn to be spoiled. If you want to help keep your romance alive, give it a try. It works!
“Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”
~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Keeping your career and relationship in balance takes courage, commitment, and sacrifice. When you are 80 and you look back at your life, how do you want it to look, feel, and sound? Will your memories be rich, all encompassing, balanced, and satisfying? If you allow life to be about offering no resistance to what is, about choosing whether to take action, and about not becoming attached to the outcome, your life will be in balance. Then you can take great pleasure in and benefit from your relationships and your career.
