As I get on the 1 train, heading into midtown Manhattan on a cool March day, it’s all eyes on me. Smiling faces, approving nods, with everyone: trying to talk to my baby who is harnessed onto my chest. Being a father is something I always wanted to be for several reasons: I felt like my wife and I are a fantastic team who could contribute good humans to the future of this world. I also wanted more of my wife in this world because I believe this world needs more people like her in it. Still, the questions always lingered. Can we afford it? How can we think of having a baby in New York City? How can I be a present father with a schedule that changes week by week as a freelance musician?
My wife, a general manager of a major New York City bakery, said she was ready to have kids and with the current shape of the US economy and I, the opera singing-actor-voice professor-researcher-mariachi singing-musician, would be the primary caretaker of our daughter. The truth is childcare is expensive anywhere in the US. So I count us lucky that we can work our schedules so that at least one parent is always around her. But I have to say our scenario is a privilege we can’t communicate with many. Why? It is scary declaring we can make money from being an opera singer.
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I feel a sense of secrecy when it comes to finances in this field. So many artists hurting, starving for financial gains yet conservatories, universities, and certain gigs use this as their business model. The more singers there are, the more desperate singers are for any scrap of performing work. There are companies who hire singers with Masters and terminal degrees that pay their orchestra members but will not pay their singers. Where did we go wrong? Why is this common practice?The other side of this coin is, as a tenor and cis-gendered man, it is seen as special, cool, even amazing that I am a dad-musician who takes care of their child most days because, (in my belief), the expectations for men to be present in their child’s life are so low even in 2024. I dare ask—what if the roles were reversed and my wife was the full time freelance musician? Would the same sentiments, grace, and praise be handed to her? I for one want to be a catalyst to drive these questions into the future. Ask yourself if you are championing mother musicians in your circles? Do you tell them how wonderful and inspiring and amazing they are for giving birth, raising the child, and showing up to crush Handel’s The Messiah?
Now comes the questions I asked myself before we decided to have children: Can I make enough money? Will I be able to say no to gigs that don’t pay even a minimum wage let alone a profitable wage? I worked hard, hustled, proved that I can provide a high quality product when given the chance and now I am seeing the benefits of those beginning years. Connections have flourished to lead to work that has paid a profitable wage. Is this true for everyone? No, in fact it is not for most of my colleagues. We are constantly battling an advertising algorithm that highlights more over relevant, extreme over useful, on social media. When considering young artist programs, there is an unspoken feeling that anyone over 28 is too old. We are 28 going on 75 so we should give up on trying to work in this business. What happens to the rest of us, what happens to me? I didn’t find my voice until my 30’s. So, if we are old at 28, how can we think of making a livable wage later in life when want children?
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I think these sentiments are on the forefront of singers’ minds when they begin to think of building a family. Yet here I am, having decided to have a child with my partner. Why? This is what I wanted for my life. I fought against the rumblings that a child would inhibit my career, and we did it anyway. I am so glad I did. My career is not ruined, because I chose what was important to me.
I hope I have communicated a few things to you. Everyone should be proud to know a singing parent who is fighting against these internal mountains, and you don’t need to let this business decide what you are allowed to want for your life. Being a musician is an occupation and not your personality. This career does not dictate who I am but who I am will dictate my career. Those that count us out for being too old, busy parents, too young, whatever they want to call us don’t deserve us and you don’t want to work for them. Being yourself is always enough because in the end that is all we have.
