Dear Erda: I often become very frustrated with the apparent reality that hyper-extroverted, schmoozy singers get more attention and opportunities than the more conservative, “down to earth” types. What are your observations about the distinction between being a good networker and a friendly, out-going person, and being (harsh, I know) superficial and grossly in need of attention, off stage and on?
Signed,
Sincere or Schmooze?
Dear SOS: Schmooze or lose, baby. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Someone who is an attention hog or psychic vampire (sucking the energy out of everyone around them) is hard to compete with at their own game, at which they are experts. What you have to do is be the opposite—casual, down-to-earth, modest but assertive, terribly charming—and work the side of the room farthest away from the screamer. Also, you have to catch your schmooze target when Mr. or Miss Lookatmelookatmelookatme isn’t around. If you’re forced to compete, avoid a power struggle. (You’ll lose.) Wait until they take a breath and then change the subject to a) focus on the listeners, in which case you may be able to edge Lookatme out of the conversation; or b) a topic that will subtly lead up to YOU.
Schmoozing has an undeserved bad reputation. It’s not an undesirable thing, although there are certainly insincere people who do it both badly and well (and perhaps that’s where the reputation comes from).
Schmoozing is both a talent and a developable skill. Some people are born schmoozers. They know how to insinuate themselves into conversations naturally and easily. They know how to make small talk, they like it, and they’re good at it. They know how to casually drop information they want others to know into the conversation, how to ask for an introduction, how to get information they want, all without being obnoxious or obvious. Good schmoozers are charming and sincere; they tell good stories, and they listen. They show a genuine interest in other people. All that, or else they’re very, very good at faking it.
If you’re not a natural schmoozer, you can learn to be, and increase your comfort level with it over time. First, work on your attitude. Often we’re afraid to approach people because we feel we’re intruding on them, asking for something to which we’re perhaps not entitled. What if instead, you thought of yourself as having something wonderful to offer? What if, instead of thinking that you must be insincere or flattering or sucking up, you developed a genuine interest in the people you’re approaching?
Next, develop the skills mentioned above. At parties, ask someone in the company to introduce you to everyone—the publicity guy is usually a really good person to do this. He’s a natural schmoozer, guaranteed, and besides, it’s his job. Make a point of talking to the people in your immediate vicinity. Ask that older gentleman what the pin on his lapel means. Compliment a lady on her dress. Ask them if they enjoyed the opera, which are their favorites, where they’re originally from, what brought them here, do they have family in the area. If no one has introduced you, introduce yourself by name AND by character. Once you’ve made friends, ask them to introduce you to other people.
For more intimate situations such as rehearsals or chance meetings, be prepared with intelligent questions or remarks for the person you hope to cultivate. A tiny bit of well-constructed, sincere flattery goes a long way. Tell the schmoozee that you value his opinion and would like to get it over drinks or coffee, if that’s appropriate. Of course, you must be perceptive about his mood and your timing. Your cause will only suffer if you try to schmooze someone who’s distracted, or in a bad temper, or a hurry.
Part of being a good schmoozer is knowing when to stop. If you aren’t getting anywhere, if the rumor mill is starting to crank out the word “suck-up” in conjunction with your name, back off. Not everybody is going to like you or your product. Give it a good try and then save your energy for those who either do, or can be convinced.
