A
A: A note frequently out of tune.
a cappella: Pocketing an accompanist’s fee by performing alone.
accidentals: Wrong notes and premature entrances.
alto: A woman with a man’s voice, or a man with a woman’s voice.
applause: The hand-clapping of a performer’s friends and relatives.
aria: A vocal solo notorious for ending operatic careers.
B
Bach: A prolific producer of cantatas, masses, and children.
balance: The drowning out of opera singers by an orchestra.
baritone: A tenor who realizes he lacks an upper register.
breath control: A singer’s attempt to mask halitosis with sprays and mouthwash.
C
cabaletta: A short Hassidic aria.
calore, con: Cuisine favored by overweight opera singers.
cantata: A vocal solo piece wrecked by a chorus.
castrato: A male singer lacking a lower register.
cavatina: A small cavity in an opera singer’s tooth.
claquer: An unscrupulous person hired by an insecure singer to applaud an incompetent performance.
clef: A sign on the musical staff, often forgotten.
coloratura: A screeching soprano.
D
debut: The first chance for a singer to flop in public.
decrescendo: Fading music caused by a singer running out of breath.
diminished: A singer’s fee for church concerts.
duet: Music for two singers of unequal talent and salaries.
E
ear training: A course for tone-deaf singers who think they have perfect pitch.
encore: A recitalist’s attempt to detain a hastily departing audience with a musical trifle.
F
falsetto: The voice of a male singer after swimming nude in shark-infested waters.
forte: Too loud.
fortissimo: Deafening.
free-lancer: An unemployed singer.
full chorus: A group of singers performing after a heavy meal.
G
gamba: The legs of Italian coloraturas.
gehalten: The bras of Wagnerian sopranos.
glee club: A gay men’s chorus.
grand opera: Any opera less than three hours long.
gypsy: A singer on tour.
H
hauptstimme: The opera part sung loudest.
heldentenor: A Wagnerian sumo wrestler.
homophonic: Music by gay composers.
hurdy-gurdy: Early Verdi.
hymn: A song in praise of God sung by sinners.
I
imperfect cadence: A musical ending marred by a singer hanging on to a final note.
impresario: The undertaker of singers and opera companies.
improperia: An obscene opera aria.
inner voice: The conscience of a faking chorister.
intonation: The quality most lacking in tenors and coloraturas.
J
Jewish music: The Goldberg Variations.
Jew’s harp: A stringed instrument played by Goldberg.
K
key signature: The sharps or flats appearing at the beginning of each staff, usually forgotten by singers in the middle of an aria.
kyrie: A choir conductor’s cry of despair: “Lord, have mercy!”
L
la: A singer’s substitute for lyrics during a memory lapse.
langsam: Too slow.
legato: The blurring of a series of notes.
largo: Unbearably slow.
leggiero: An anemic soprano.
libretto: The pretext for an opera.
Lieder: Old songs in German slang.
Liederkranz: A malodorous German song.
lyric: A soprano unable to hit a high C.
lyrics: The words of a song better forgotten.
M
magnificat: A canticle about a great cat.
manuscript: Indecipherable music.
messa: A disastrous opera performance at La Scala.
Messiah: An English oratorio by a German about a Jew.
metronome: A singer’s foot.
mezzo-soprano: A coloratura incapable of singing high notes.
modulation: Suddenly forgetting the key signature.
molto: Much too much.
mute: A singer with laryngitis.
N
nachschlag: Whipped cream added to a Viennese hot chocolate.
nachtmusik: The snoring of sleeping baritones and bassos.
nicht schleppen: Fast as hell.
no-drama: An opera with a weak libretto.
nonetto: An undistinguished maestro or singer.
note: A musical tone of arguable pitch and tempo.
O
obbligato: The obligatory instruments for drowning out a solo voice.
opera: A musical drama that is either tragic or comic, depending on the sobriety and waistlines of its singers.
opera buff: A maniac who, when asked the time of day, will offer a comparison of tenors and coloraturas.
opera standees: People who love opera more than their feet.
P
Parsifal: An interminable Easter lullaby by Wagner
Penitential Psalms: Sacred tunes sung by prison inmates.
pianissimo: Inaudible.
pitch: An Italian diva with a nasty disposition.
pitch pipe: A tin toy for tone-deaf singers.
poco: A little too much.
prima donna: A principal opera singer with a paramour and paranoia.
prompter: A conductor concealed in a box because he cannot afford a tux.
Q
quarter-tone: Out of tune.
quartet: Four singers at odds with each other simultaneously.
quaver: The vibrato and knees of a terrified tenor.
R
radical bass: A male singer with a low voice and left-wing ideas.
range, tonal: The unfortunate limits of a singer’s vocal cords.
requiem: Music composed for the decomposed.
rubato: A singer’s license for criminal musical mischief.
S
segue: Avoiding the embarrassment of an audience not applauding.
semitone: A note too sharp or flat.
Siegfried: A Wagnerian tenor who drinks dragon’s blood and speaks to birds.
sight-reading: Inadequate preparation of a musical composition.
singer, professional: A vocalist with connections.
slur: A nasty remark by one singer about another.
soprano: The highest-paid female vice.
sotto voce: Singing while afflicted with flu or laryngitis.
spinto: An unmarried soprano over 30.
strophic: The second half of a catastrophic recital.
T
tempo: The most arguable concept of a musical composition.
tenor: The male singer with the highest voice and greatest ego.
tessitura: The comfortable vocal range for uncomfortable singers.
text: The lyrics of an opera, drowned out by the music.
theme: The haunting melody of a murdered composer.
timbre: A wooden tone.
treble: A solo singer’s salary, compared to a chorister’s.
triplet: A drug-induced minor hallucination.
troppo: Unbearably.
tutti: All together yet not together.
U
ungebunden: A Wagnerian soprano wearing no girdle.
unison: Almost together.
upbeat: An opera singer after signing a lucrative contract.
V
Valkyrie: A one-way trip to Valhalla.
verismo: Italian operas about rape and murder.
vocalize: To fake a text, or sing without words.
voice: The internal human instrument preferred by those incapable of mastering a musical instrument.
vox angelica: An opera singer with a high salary.
vox humana: An opera singer with a medium salary.
vox populi: The underpaid chorus of an opera house.
W
Walpurgisnacht: A Saturday evening opera after a long matinee.
well-tempered: Sedated conductors, divas, and tenors.
windbag: A rehearsing conductor.
wind machine: A flatulent opera singer.
Y
yodel: A yell from a Swiss yokel.
Z
zarzuela: Spanish comic opera best enjoyed with tapas and tequila.
Zauberflöte: Sadly, Mozart’s last opera and my last entry—with sincere apologies for my atrocious puns and offensive definitions.
